hope Archives

In my last column, I wrote about hope as a skill. Hope isn’t passive, and it isn’t something we either have or we don’t. Like any skill, it has to be built through small choices, steady practice, supportive relationships and repeated evidence that change is possible.

Once hope is developed in a person, it can be shared with those around them.

But rather than keep talking about hope, I want to let you see it in action.

For the next two columns, I’m handing this space over to Chris Cooper. Chris is a member of the First Things First team and directs our EPIC Dads program.

Chris also graduated from a First Things First fatherhood program a decade ago. But I’ll let him tell that story.

Chris’s story is one of hope, not as an abstract idea, but as something built, practiced and passed along.

Over the next two columns, I want you to hear his hope in action.

Enjoy.

Part 1: From Participant to Leader

By Chris Cooper

In 2016, I sat at a First Things First table as a participant in the fatherhood program Dads Making a Difference. I was trying to navigate child support, custody and the emotional weight of wanting to be a good dad during a difficult season.

I wasn’t leading anything then. I was trying to steady my life and figure out how to be the father my kids deserved.

Nearly a decade later, I sit at that same table in a different seat.

Today, I facilitate EPIC Dads, guiding men through the kinds of conversations and lessons that once guided me. I’m not just an employee of First Things First. I’m a former participant and a beneficiary of the work we do. That lived experience shapes everything about how I lead.

The work didn’t end when I completed the program. I kept showing up. I volunteered. I stayed connected. Over time, the tools I learned helped me stabilize my life, strengthen my relationships and eventually gain full custody of my sons, who are now 26 and 24.

Today, my wife and I are raising our 17-year-old daughter in a home built on the lessons I once came here to learn. The stability we’ve built together is living proof that when a father grows, the entire household grows with him. That’s the same hope I carry into every EPIC Dads session.

When a dad walks into one of my sessions, I know exactly what he may be carrying: uncertainty, stress and the desire to show up for his kids even when life feels complicated.

Because I’ve been in his seat, I don’t talk at the men in my group. I talk with them.

We share stories. We confront real-world struggles. We create a space where honesty is welcomed and growth is possible.

One dad recently told me, “This is the only thing I’ve ever completed.”

That moment reminded me why this work matters. Sometimes a completed session, a breakthrough or one honest conversation can change the direction of a man’s life—and his children’s lives.

Being a father is the most important job a man will ever have. When a dad grows, an entire family grows with him.

My sons, my daughter and my wife have all witnessed my transformation—the struggle, the work and the commitment it took to become the man I am today. Their lives remind me every day why this work matters.

Through EPIC Dads, we’re not just teaching skills. We’re building stability. We’re restoring confidence. We’re helping men write new futures for themselves and their children.

I once sat at that table searching for direction. Now I sit there helping other men find theirs.

That full-circle moment is the greatest honor of my life.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at lauren@courses.firstthings.org

At a recent conference, I had the privilege of hearing Dr. Chan Hellman speak about the science of hope. Hellman is a professor at the University of Oklahoma and the founding director of its Hope Research Center. His research examines hope as a psychological strength that can help children and adults experiencing trauma and adversity.

One of the most powerful takeaways from his presentation was this:

Before people can change or grow, they must first be able to imagine a new reality.

They need to see that something different is possible.

Hellman challenged us to think of hope as a noun, not merely as a verb we use when we wish for something. Hope is not simply a feeling that appears when circumstances are good. It is something we can possess, develop and practice.

That framing matters because we often talk about hope as though it were little more than wishful thinking.

Psychologist C. R. Snyder developed what is commonly known as Hope Theory. In the foundational 1991 article “The Will and the Ways,” Snyder and his colleagues described hope as a cognitive pattern involving agency and pathways. Agency is the determination and belief that we can move toward a goal. Pathways are the plans and possible routes we identify for reaching it. Both are necessary. A person needs the will to move and a way to move forward.

The Hope Research Center presents the model in three practical parts: goals, pathways and agency. A meaningful goal gives us a destination. Pathways give us possible routes. Agency provides the motivation to begin, persist and change course when we encounter an obstacle.

Research also suggests that these capacities can be strengthened. In a 2006 pilot study, Jennifer Cheavens, David Feldman, Amber Gum, Scott Michael and C. R. Snyder tested an eight-session hope-based group intervention focused on building goal-pursuit skills. Participants showed statistically significant improvements in the agency component of hope, along with improvements in life meaning and self-esteem and reductions in symptoms of anxiety and depression. It was a small pilot study, but it offers evidence that hopeful thinking is not necessarily a fixed personality trait. It can be practiced and developed.

One of Hellman’s examples at the conference helped make this framework especially clear.

Many of us set goals based on what we are trying to avoid.

I want to avoid losing my children. I want to avoid going to jail. I want to avoid getting a divorce. I want to avoid using substances again. I want to avoid another argument.

These goals are understandable. When we are frightened, hurting or facing serious consequences, preventing another painful outcome may feel like the most urgent thing in the world.

But an avoidance goal only tells us what we are running from. It does not necessarily show us what we are trying to build. A forward-looking goal creates a different picture.

Instead of only saying, “I do not want to lose my children,” a parent might say, “I want to become a safe, stable and dependable parent. I want to rebuild trust and create a home in which my children can thrive.”

Instead of saying, “I do not want to get divorced,” a spouse might say, “I want to create a marriage in which we listen, repair conflict and treat each other with respect. I want to build a healthier atmosphere in our home and a brighter future for our children.”

Instead of saying, “I do not want to use again,” someone might say, “I want to build a life in recovery. I want to be healthy, present and connected to the people I love.”

The circumstances have not suddenly become easy. The desired outcome is not guaranteed. But the person now has a vision of something worth moving toward.

That vision creates a destination. Once there is a destination, pathways can begin to emerge. Those pathways might include counseling, treatment, parenting education, accountability, a support group, new daily routines, healthier relationships or one difficult but necessary conversation.

As I listened to Hellman, I became excited because he was giving research-based language to something we have witnessed for years at First Things First. Families need hope.

Parents who have been separated from their children need hope. People struggling with addiction need hope. Couples on the brink of divorce need hope. Separated spouses who genuinely want to reconcile need hope. Blended families trying to create a healthier reality than anything they have previously experienced need hope.

People need more than someone telling them what they have done wrong. They need more than a list of risks, consequences or problems. They need someone who will walk alongside them and help them see that their current reality does not have to be their permanent reality.

They need help seeing what is still within their control. They need help identifying the decisions they can make, the resources they can access and the next healthy step available to them.

Sometimes people need to borrow someone else’s hope until they are ready to carry their own.

Hellman’s research helps explain why this matters. In a 2022 article in Advances in Social Work, Hellman, Angela Pharris and Ricky Munoz proposed hope as a framework for responding to adverse childhood experiences. They argued that hope can offer useful guidance for building trauma-informed approaches that help people respond to adversity and pursue greater well-being.

This does not mean we minimize trauma or pretend that serious problems can be solved through positive thinking. Hope is not denial.

Hope does not erase consequences, remove obstacles or guarantee that other people will make the choices we want them to make. Some circumstances require professional treatment, legal guidance, safety planning or long-term support. Hope simply gives us a way to begin moving.

Here are two ways to practice the skill of hope:

1. Rewrite an avoidance goal

Think about an area of your life in which you have been saying, “I do not want,” “I need to stop” or “I am trying to avoid.”

Then ask yourself a different question: What do I want to create?

“I do not want us to fight so much” might become, “I want us to learn how to disagree without attacking each other.”

“I do not want to be an absent parent” might become, “I want to be a dependable and emotionally present parent.”

Make the goal specific, meaningful and focused as much as possible on actions within your control. You cannot control every outcome or another person’s decisions, but you can identify the kind of person you want to become and the next choice you want to make.

2. Create a hope map

Write your goal at the top of a page. Underneath it, list at least three possible pathways toward that goal. Do not rely on only one route. Hopeful thinking includes the ability to find another path when the first one becomes blocked.

Next to each pathway, identify the obstacles that might get in the way. Then write down one possible response or detour for each obstacle.

Finally, choose one small action you can take within the next 24 hours. Identify one person who can encourage you, hold you accountable or help you find another pathway when you feel stuck.

A small step may not feel dramatic, but it matters. Every completed step becomes evidence that you are not entirely powerless.

Hope does not promise that every story will end exactly as we want it to. It reminds us that the future has not been fully written and that our choices can still help shape what comes next.

At First Things First, that is a significant part of our work. We help people imagine what could be, identify possible paths toward it and recognize the agency they still possess.

Hope is not passive. It is practiced.

And when people practice hope, change becomes imaginable. Then, through one decision and one step at a time, it can become possible.