Teens, Technology and Romance
It’s totally logical for technology to play a role in teen relationships, especially in romance. But how much of a part does it play?
The Pew Research Center examined American teens’ (ages 13-17) digital romantic practices to find out.
Though 57% of teens have digital friendships, teens are less likely to start a romantic relationship online. Most teen daters (76%) say they’ve only dated people they met in person. Only 8% of teens have dated or hooked up with someone they first met on social media. (And most of those introductions are on Facebook.)
Still, teens use technology to flirt and express interest in a potential partner. They also use social media to like, comment, friend or joke around with a crush.
- 55% have flirted or talked in person to express interest.
- 50% have let someone know they were romantically interested by “friending” them on social media.
- 47% have expressed their attraction by liking, commenting, or otherwise interacting on social media.
- 46% have shared something funny or interesting with their romantic interest online.
- 31% flirted through messages.
- 10% have sent flirty or sexy pictures/videos of themselves.
Overall, 85% of teen daters expect to hear from their significant other once a day. Some teens expect even more.
- 11% expect to hear from their partner hourly.
- 35% expect to hear something every few hours.
- 38% expect to hear from their significant other once a day.
Teens say texting is the top way to “spend time together.”
Additionally, phone calls, in-person time, and other digital means for staying in touch were in the mix. As for spending time with their current/former boyfriend or girlfriend, teen daters preferred:
- Text messaging: 92%
- Talking on the phone: 87%
- Being together in person: 86%
- Social media: 70%
- Instant or online messaging: 69%
- Video chatting: 55%
- Messaging apps: 49%
31% of daters reported that a current or former partner has checked up on them multiple times per day. They use the internet or cellphone to ask where they are, who they are with or what they are doing.
Teens were also asked about potentially controlling and harmful behaviors involving technology in relationships.
- 15% (or 5% of all teens) say a partner used the internet or text messaging to pressure them into unwanted sexual activity.
- 16% have had a partner require removing people from their friends list on social media.
- 13% said their partner demanded they share their email and internet passwords with them.
- 19% report that a partner used the internet, social media or a cellphone to threaten them.
- 8% report that a partner used online information against them to harass or embarrass them.
- After a relationship ends, 22% of teens said a former partner used the internet or a cellphone to bully them. 15% report that a partner used mobile phones or the internet to spread rumors about them.
Technology connects us in many ways, and it can be a handy tool. But many teens need more info to navigate technology and romantic relationships successfully.
Dating is an opportunity to get to know someone, identify common interests, see if your personalities get along and whether you enjoy each other’s company. However, it is different from marriage.
Teens in relationships still need your help when it comes to romance.
They must understand what dating is and how to identify appropriate and inappropriate behavior. You can help them understand that:
- Posting mean things is unkind.
- Demanding passwords is not ok.
- Constantly checking up on a partner is unhealthy.
- Demanding to know who, what, where, why, and how is controlling, dishonoring, and disrespectful behavior.
- Texting back and forth is not the same as spending time with someone.
Many teens struggle with all the ups and downs of technology in romance and relationships. The good news is, teaching them how to respect and honor others can make a lasting impact on their love life and their future.
Other blogs:
How to Be An Emotionally Safe Parent
When (and How) Should I Give My Child Cell Phone?
Five Reasons Teen Girls Stop Talking to Their Dads
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV for an in-depth look on this topic!
Raising Successful Children
Parents often say they want healthy, happy, and successful children. But do their actions actually help or hurt when preparing their kids for these things?
“Many parents micromanage their children’s lives,” says Charlie Sykes, author of Dumbing Down our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can’t Read, Write or Add.
“Between parents who are extremely anxious to make sure their children are always happy and the obsession of the education system about self-esteem, we have this weird stew that profoundly impacts our children in lasting ways.”
How do children become successful and responsible adults if they don’t work through problems, fail, or deal with difficult people?
Many parents hover over their young adult kids. Some even call employers and interfere in their child’s love life.
“Instead of allowing them to experience adversities, parents bubble-wrap their kids,” Sykes says. “This keeps children from developing coping and problem-solving skills. People learn how to be competent adults by working through the bumps and bruises and ups and downs. If parents do this for them, the kids have no immunity to the normal curve balls life throws at us.”
According to Sykes, learning to say no is key for parents who want to help their kids succeed. This means choosing not to enable, be a good buddy, or be constantly concerned about staying on their kids’ good side.
“I think I had wonderful parents,” Sykes says. “I guarantee you they were not obsessed about what I thought or felt about them. They did not freak out when I was unhappy about their decisions. They stayed the course as my parents. Instead of being concerned about how I felt on a particular day, they were focused on the end results.”
Sykes says that insulating our kids from reality and responsibility isn’t helpful.
Instead, picking positive and negative role models and finding out what they do with their children can be used to help you copy what you want to see.
“If you inflate your children’s expectations, every area of life, including work, marriage and parenting will disappoint them,” Sykes says. “Parents who believe it is their job to meet every single ‘want’ of their child run the risk of creating unrealistic expectations. This will probably lead to great disappointment in life.”
So, maybe it’s a good idea for all of us to step back and evaluate what we currently do for our kids. Who knows? We may decide to try something different to help our children successfully move toward adulthood.
Other resources:
10 Things All Dads Need to Do to Help Their Child Be Successful
Marriage Benefits Children
Marriage is declining, and some believe it really doesn’t matter anymore. However, some compelling findings indicate it might matter more than you think, especially for a child’s well-being.
Wendy Manning, director of the Center for Family and Demographic Research at Bowling Green State University, says family instability is a consistent and negative implication for child health in both cohabiting and married-parent families.
Moreover, a 2010 CDC study on child well-being and family structure shows that children from homes with married parents did better in every category.
Children ages 12-17 living with cohabiting parents instead of married parents are:
- Six times more likely to exhibit emotional and behavioral problems;
- 122 percent more likely to be expelled from school; and
- 90 percent more likely to have a lower GPA.
Additional studies indicate that children born to couples that live together are more likely to see their parents break up.
In fact, two-thirds will split up before their child is 12. Most split up before their child is 5. Compare that to only one-quarter of married parents who split up. Cohabiting relationships seem to be more fragile than marital relationships.
Economic indicators show that 21 percent of children with cohabiting parents live below the poverty line. Only one in 10 children with married parents lives in poverty.
As of early 2016, half of all children born to women under 30 were born out of wedlock.
Pew Research and other studies find that most Americans would like to marry someday.
So why are so many young people choosing cohabitation over marriage? What explains the increase in women under 30 choosing to have children outside of marriage? Well, it’s complicated.
For starters, many young people don’t want the kind of marriage their parents had, nor are they confident that they can actually do marriage well. Others say there are no marriageable men or women. Some see no benefit in a “formal” arrangement for themselves and their children.
Plenty of research indicates that healthy marriage positively impacts children and society. And despite growing up with examples of unhealthy marriages, divorce or other adverse childhood experiences, it’s possible to heal from the past and have healthy relationships and even healthy marriages.
But the research is clear. The social, economic, health, and emotional benefits of marriage extend to everyone but are especially crucial for children.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How to Prevent Bullying
Paul Coughlin’s passion to prevent bullying comes from his own bullying experience while in elementary school. He understands how a campaign of cruelty can damage a person’s emotional and psychological well-being, not just in childhood, but often for life.
This knowledge, along with his passion, led him to start an anti-bullying effort called The Protectors, whose primary focus is on the potential strength, heroic desire and rescuing capacity of bystanders. Studies show that bystanders possess the most potential to transform an environment of bullying into one of character, freedom and justice. One study revealed that if only one bystander, whether popular or not, uses his or her assertive but nonviolent words in defense of a target, the incident of bullying can end 58 percent of the time within six to eight seconds.
How prevalent is bullying in schools?
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One out of every four students report being victims of bullying during the school year. (National Center for Educational Statistics, 2015)
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Of children who are bullied, 64 percent did not report it. (Petrosino, Guckenburg, DeVoe, and Hanson, 2010)
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School-based bullying prevention programs decrease bullying by up to 25 percent. (McCallion and Feder, 2013)
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The reasons for being bullied reported most often by students were looks (55 percent), body shape (37 percent) and race (16 percent). (Davis and Nixon, 2010)
According to Coughlin, an expert witness regarding bullying and the law, bullying is not about conflict and miscommunication. It is about standing in contempt of another human being.
“It is a myth that the bully has anger management problems,” says Coughlin. “Bullies are highly predatory people. Bullies tend to come from homes with coercive parenting styles where parents express disdain and contempt of people who are different from them. Young people learn through modeling, this is how you treat people.”
What can you do to prevent bullying?
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Speak Up. If someone is bullying you, tell them to stop.
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Bystanders are the best front line of defense. Stand up for the victim when you see bullying happen. Phrases such as, “Stop it, that’s wrong,” “Let’s do something else,” “I am going to report you” are powerful and can stop the bullying.
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Schools can adopt anonymous reporting. One of the top five apps changing the world for good, as reported by CNN, is an anonymous reporting app called STOPit.
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Take the incident seriously. Act sooner rather than later.
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Don’t look the other way. When you know something is happening, report it.
“What’s really going to change bullying is when we change parenting,” Coughlin says. “As parents, we need to expect our kids to help someone in need. It needs to be part of your family mission and purpose. I have actually had this conversation with all three of my kids. I expect you to do something life-affirming. We don’t stand by and watch someone’s psychological flesh get seared from their body and do nothing.
“Research actually shows that when we see someone being targeted and you have the power to act yet you do nothing, our capacity for courage, sympathy and empathy decrease. We become small-souled. If we want strong kids, this is a pivotal moment. This is a tremendous opportunity for character development.”
Although it is not possible to prevent bullying altogether, there is no excuse for allowing it to continue if you know it is going on. Speaking up for yourself or another victim can make a huge difference both now and in the future.
How to Avoid Raising an Entitled Child
In Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Veruca Salt is the bratty little entitled child who tells her daddy she wants a goose that lays the golden eggs. Her father immediately turns to Willy Wonka and asks, “How much for the goose?”
Wonka tells him they are not for sale. Veruca says she wants one immediately, makes more demands of her father and basically throws a temper tantrum. Although her father seems embarrassed by his daughter’s behavior, he allows it to continue.
“Parents who did not grow up with a lot themselves often desire to give their children what they did not have with the intention of helping them to have a better life,” says psychologist Susan Hickman.
Perhaps that was the case with Veruca. Most people cringe at her behavior. Unfortunately, giving children a lot without earning it can lead to ingratitude and a sense of entitlement.
“Entitlement is about excess,” Hickman says. “It is like a cancer on your personality. In the formative years, if children don’t learn the correlation between effort, earning and then receiving, the effect of this multiplies as they get into their teen years and then into young adulthood. It is hard to wash out the sense of entitlement.”
Hickman believes it is a mistake for parents to lead their child to believe he/she is the center of the universe.
This mistake is often unintentional and is based on sacrificial love for their children.
“It is true that parents need to make sure their child’s basic needs are met for food, clothing and shelter,” Hickman says. But there must be a give-and-take between parents and the children. In other words, it isn’t all about the kids.
Giving your children everything they want, allowing them to do all they want to do and/or telling them they excel at all they attempt is not necessarily helpful in the long run.
There are, however, some strategies to help you avoid raising an entitled child.
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Avoid excess. Excess leads to unrealistic expectations.
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Stick with the basics. A phone that works is adequate. If they want something nicer, let them earn it. People tend to appreciate what they earn.
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Hardship builds character. Instead of rescuing your children from difficulty or shielding them from natural consequences, hold them accountable. Learning lessons during hard times is unparalleled compared to easy times.
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Encourage good citizenship at home and in the community. Doing chores and helping others without pay is part of being a good family member. Teach your children that, as a member of society, the rules apply to them.
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Don’t reward bad behavior. If your child learns that you will ultimately give in to their persistence, this will always be their default behavior. Avoid the power struggle that often leads you to give in by giving your answer and walking away.
Utilizing these strategies when your children are young will prevent a lot of drama later in life. If you haven’t used these strategies with your teens, there is still time. Change is possible, but it won’t be pretty.
The most loving thing parents can do is to make changes that will adequately prepare them for adulthood, even if they don’t like them.
Acknowledge that change will probably be difficult, but that you love them too much to continue harmful behavior. And be sure to surround yourself with people who will support and encourage you through this process.
Other blogs:
How to Make Sure Your Child Knows You Love Them
5 Mistakes Parents Make With Their Teens
7 Things Every Child Needs to Thrive
Leadership in the Home
Parents are a child’s first teacher. From infancy onward, children learn how to navigate life’s journey from watching their parents. Parents have an awesome opportunity to lead and to cast a vision for a sense of the family’s greater purpose.
Leadership in the Home Matters
“I remember a number of years ago, having a conversation with a young man. He said to me, ‘When I have kids, I’m going to be their best friend.’ I thought to myself, ‘I hope that works out for you,’” says leadership expert, Dr. Mark Mendenhall. “It has been said that where there is no vision people perish. It isn’t so much about being your child’s best friend as it is about leading them to develop and become better human beings.”
But leading is difficult when people don’t have a larger sense of moving toward a purpose (regardless of age).
Having a vision for your family is important, says Mendenhall.
“It is the parent’s role to decide who we are as a family. At home, kids can go to school and parents can go to work. If there is no big, hairy, audacious goal that everybody knows they are aiming for, people tend to just go through the motions. Everybody needs to be able to answer the question: What are we as a family all in on?”
Years ago, Mendenhall purchased a new SUV. He told his children to be careful getting in and out of the cars in the garage so they didn’t damage the SUV. He was in the family van one morning, preparing to take his daughter to school. She came bouncing out the door, and he thought to himself, “She isn’t going to remember to be careful.” She opened the passenger door, dinged the SUV and got in the van.
“I was furious and lit into her,” Mendenhall says. “In a heartbeat, I watched her face go from bubbly and happy to sad and sniffling. I don’t think we said a word the entire way to school. On the way home, I thought, ‘What just happened?’ I was thinking the piece of metal was more important to me than the best way to discipline or coach my daughter.
“It reminded me of Martin Buber’s concept of ‘I-Thou’ and ‘I-It.’ At any moment in time, as a leader or a parent, I can engage my child from the ‘I-Thou’ perspective – recognizing them as a human being with feelings, thoughts, weaknesses, strengths and ideas. Or, I can look at my child as an ‘It’ like a toaster – a thing, an object, something I want something from.”
When you make a mistake in judgment, a sincere apology is powerful.
Mendenhall later apologized for the way he treated his daughter, which is another characteristic of a strong leader. Children know you aren’t perfect, and an apology can make the parent-child relationship stronger.
Studies indicate that setting aside 30 minutes to an hour each week for a family meeting can be beneficial.
This is sacred time with no technology where the family does a fun activity together or confirms the weekly schedule.
“Family meetings were of great benefit to our family,” Mendenhall says. “It was hard, especially as the kids got older, because everybody wanted more of their time. Just being together, even if it doesn’t go well every week, is huge for keeping the family connected.”
Mendenhall also believes using participative leadership in the home is especially helpful for parents.
“When our kids were younger, we realized they were watching too much television,” Mendenhall says. “We brought them all together and said, ‘There is way too much television watching going on. We want to try and solve this problem as a family and aren’t saying no television. But, we just need to figure out how to manage this better.’
“Our daughter was drawing while we were talking. At some point, she piped up and said, ‘We could make a sign that says ‘No More TV’ and put it over the television when it’s time for the television to go off.’”
“After some discussion, everybody agreed that could work. So, she made a big poster to hang from the television. On the back of it, one of our sons (who is now an attorney) drew up a contract us all to sign.”
The ultimate goal of parenting is to launch adults into the world with a skill set that will help them both personally and professionally. It all starts with parents leading out in the home.
Making the Most of Each Moment
Like most families, the Whittaker family kept a pretty fast pace with three active children. Several years ago, an experience caused them to press the pause button and focus on making the most of each moment.
“We were in the car with our three children when Beyonce’s Single Ladies came on the radio,” said Carlos Whittaker, author of Moment Maker. “Our children started singing it and I started videoing the moment. When I realized our son was singing it, I told him, ‘You aren’t a single lady,’ at which point he bursts into tears. I apologized. I sent it to my mom because I thought it was cute and posted it on Facebook.”
Unexpectedly, the video went viral, getting millions of views. The family appeared on Good Morning America, The Today Show and The Ellen DeGeneres Show, and also received the People’s Choice Viral Video of the Year award.
When things calmed down a bit, Whittaker asked his wife why she thought the video was so popular. She said, “It is because you were authentic and showed a mistake. Most parents who make their kid cry would not post it on Facebook for the world to see.”
That moment was the catalyst for change in the Whittaker household.
“That conversation with my wife made me realize you can live your life or your life can live you,” Whittaker said. “These two statements sound similar, but they are oceans apart.
“Not too long ago, the average pace a human traveled was between three and 15 mph. Now we have rocket ships. Maybe we weren’t created to move this fast. Most of us are living life so fast we forget that what is happening right this second is important. I came to the conclusion that, instead of going with the flow, we would make the flow go with us. Instead of rushing through everything, I started trying to pause to perceive.”
Whittaker’s book, Moment Maker, is about making the most of life’s moments. The book identifies three types of moments: created, received and rescued. None of them have to be expensive or epic, just purposeful.
“A couple of years ago I created a moment with my daughter when I took her on a daddy/daughter date to Starbucks,” Whittaker said. “On the cup where they usually write your name and the type of drink you ordered, I had her write three words that described my daughter. When we sat down my daughter noticed the words and asked me what they meant, at which point I shared with her about the words. She still talks about that coffee date. ”
Received moments are those moments where pausing is the secret.
“We took our daughters to see Justin Bieber,” Whittaker said. “Right before he came on stage, one of our daughters was weeping. I looked to my wife to decipher what was going on. She said everything was fine.
“Driving home from the concert, I asked my daughter why she had been crying. She said, ‘Because I love him so much.’ My first inclination was to look at her and say, ‘You don’t love him; you don’t know the first thing about love.’ But I paused for a moment and then I said, ‘The tears that stream down your face because you love Justin Bieber…I want to tell you how the tears stream down my face when I see you at your best because I love you so much.’ The conversation shifted from why her love was right instead of why it was wrong.”
Rescued moments are the moments in which life happens. To rescue, one must open heart and hands. Without risk, there is no rescue.
Whittaker shared about sitting next to a guy on a flight to Atlanta. Despite Whittaker’s attempts at friendly conversation, the man had nothing to say. Whittaker assumed he was just rude.
Shortly before landing, the pilot informed passengers that winds were blowing at 40 mph. In order to land, they needed to be below 40 mph, but he said he was going to give it a shot. At that moment, Whittaker saw that the man was gripping the seat in front of him, tears were streaming down his face, and he was shaking.
“I realized the man was not rude. He was scared. I fought it for about five minutes, but then I made the decision to stick my hand out, barely open. Within a second, he was gripping my hand,” Whittaker said. “We landed and he was still holding my hand. We taxied to the gate and he was still holding my hand. When we got to the gate, I let go. Without saying a word, he got up and exited the plane.”
How can we intentionally leave a legacy if we are moving so fast that we miss the moments?
We each write a story as we walk through our lives. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money or be super-creative. The smallest of things can make a huge difference in the moment for you and your family.
4 Ways You Can Model Responsibility and Accountability
Brock Allen Turner is the Stanford University student who was found guilty of sexually assaulting an unconscious woman who had been at an on-campus party in January 2015.
The story initially made the news when two graduate students riding their bikes across campus witnessed the scene unfolding and came to the woman’s aid. The two called police and held Turner at the scene until they arrived.
While the jury found Turner guilty on all counts, the judge only sentenced him to six months in jail.
The judge stated, “A prison sentence would have a severe impact on him. I think he will not be a danger to others.”
At Turner’s sentencing, the victim read him a letter describing the assault’s impact on her life. If you have not read this letter, it is worth your time to do so. It can be found here.
Adding to the troubling aspect of the crime, Turner has confessed that he was drunk. He has stated that he wants to visit college campuses to talk about the dangers of alcohol and sexual promiscuity, but what he does not want to talk about is sexual assault. In fact, in some instances, Turner is being portrayed as the victim.
How can that be? When did it become acceptable behavior to take advantage of someone who is drunk?
Parents can teach their kids to be responsible and accountable for their actions.
Turner’s father wrote a letter to the judge, requesting leniency for his son, explaining that “his son’s life has been deeply altered forever by the events of January 17th and 18th…now he barely consumes any food and eats only to exist. These verdicts have broken and shattered him and our family in so many ways. His life will never be the one that he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve. That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20-plus years of life.”
When their children become teenagers, parents frequently tell them, “You only live once; enjoy it because it won’t ever be this way again.” What parents sometimes neglect to say is “What you do or do not do in middle school, high school and beyond can impact you for the rest of your life.”
Turner was not the victim in this situation. Two lives and two families are forever changed because of his behavior.
What happened is awful on all counts. In so many situations today, many people believe their actions have no consequences.
How can you help your child make good choices?
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Teach teens what it means to be respectful of others my modeling responsibility and accountability.
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Make sure they understand the definition of sexual assault. Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the recipient’s explicit consent.
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Hold your child accountable for their behavior, even at an early age. They will be held accountable in the real world.
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Your teen needs to know that “Everybody else is doing it” does not justify wrong behavior.
It’s painful to watch young people struggle to find their way. While they’re in your home, diligently teach them how to live responsibly away from your care. Young people have a mind of their own and they will make mistakes. As a parent, you can walk with them, and model responsibility and accountability without shielding them from the consequences.
